Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers