Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

There’s only one good girl here!

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

Not my job 😂

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting