Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
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I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Safety first
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane