Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

My friend is an excellent librarian.

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

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