doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
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*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
God tier horse name today on the sims
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?