Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

Doormats are a gateway rug.

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)