doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
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Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
damn he’s good
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”