Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

Friends that check up on you >

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

Storm Tropical Storm

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*