Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

lmfao come on

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

This could’ve been an email.

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.