Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

😂😭

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it