DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
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What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said