Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
You Might Also Like
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
what day is it?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)