Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

Happy Friday

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.