doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
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kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
me logging onto twitter
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.