Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

#StillHurts

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Salad is the decaf of food.

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”