Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)