Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

oh you wanna fight?!

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.