Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
“i miss shittin on people”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Think I pulled my liver
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.