Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

when mom throws a party…

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

This dude got his own movie?

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.