“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
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Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard