DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink