DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.