DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5