Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
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You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
new career option?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.