Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
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santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!