Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
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It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
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The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.