doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
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[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
man i love columbo
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.