Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

whatcha thinkin bout

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.