Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.