Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

[family thanksgiving in 2020]

HER: hey the turkey is still frozen

ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!