Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

new year update: losing everything but weight

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.