Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

bears

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”