DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
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Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Discuss
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
