DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
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If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
he’s doing your taxes
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence