Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.