doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
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[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.