doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
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Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.