Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
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this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Matt Goss
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!