Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

Real bees work best

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”