Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

Good morning.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.