Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
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Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.