Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
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Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.