Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?