Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Love is always patient and kind.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.