[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
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kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.