doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
🤣😂🤣😂
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
True
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.