doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
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Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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a
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*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers