Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.