Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

$4 #usedbooks

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.