Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
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My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
dads on road-trips be like
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
It’s the weekend y’all
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.