doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
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Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners