doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
You Might Also Like
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
happy halloween
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands