Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!