doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.