Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

My neck my back my allergy attack

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.