doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
You Might Also Like
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
When you let grandma cat sit
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you