Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.