Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.