doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
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Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks