doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
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*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
that colleague who touches your screen