Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands