[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
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YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Kermit goes Blue.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”