Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1554438880430116864/pu/vid/560x996/H7niMdbJ4o6fVmzy.mp4?tag=12

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

found my next D&D character name

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.