[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
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What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
WHO DID THIS?
