[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
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This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
the three genders
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
just having fun
