[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
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Education is vital
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.