Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

i can’t work under these festive conditions

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?