DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
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[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Good morning
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.