Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

ok hear me out: Luigiana

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.