Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.