Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
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My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.