Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
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I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
