Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single