doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
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Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
We avoided this particular disaster
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.