doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
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No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.